Coming soon…
You know how when you are a kid and you go to the movies and you see the trailers and you just want to be in one SO, SO badly? Well, suck it. Fast Forward to 1:20.
Add comment July 16th, 2008
HGTV does not stand for Hung Giant TransVestite.
Hello interweb. I have a confession. I have become an addict to porn. No, not porn that involves muscles or fluids or moaning**, but real estate porn. I am obsessed with HGTV.
I want a house much more than I want sex and HGTV is my way of fantasizing about it. Instead of washboard abs, I want granite countertops. Keep your perfect buns, I prefer crowned molding. And large genitals are nothing compared to dual showerheads.
My favorite shows aren’t even the ones where they re-do someones house. In fact, those sort of bore me. I am more into the hardcore “I am gonna buy a house, how much is that shizz gonna be?” shows. “House Hunters” is okay. Its sort of like the porn that has a story. “Property Virgins” is nice, but its a little vanilla. For my money, I go straight the Hustler of home and garden television called, “What you get for the Money”. This show doesn’t even set up pretense. There is no plot, just hard-core, hot and sweaty house appraisal. They take you to 3 different cities and show you what type of house you can get for $250K, $500k, $750K and One million big ones.
You got $250,000? Here is the crap hole you can get in Maui. Here is the palace you can get in crappy town, IA. And here is the middle finger you can get from your real estate agent in NYC.
This is of course why the show is depressing, while it also gets my stainless steel appliance rocks off. You see these huge MANSIONS for $500,000! But they are in towns that no human should be expected to live in. Asheville, NC? Eeeek! And whenever they go to NY or LA (also Miami and San Francisco), the real estate agents are all smug and rude and like, “You want to live in NY for $250k? Well, get ready for a shoe box in Staten Island (maniacal laugh)!!!” I guess its sort of like S&M real estate porn. Which I guess is a little fetish of mine, because no matter how much I save, the dream gets farther away. And still I dream of an Eat in Kitchen with a view. Aw yeah. Eat in that kitchen, Eat in it!
** Technically, this guys show has all three if you count paint as a fluid.
Add comment June 27th, 2008
Funny Or Die.
Recently I went out to LA to audition for a sketch show that thought I was funny while on the East Coast. Once I got to the West Coast… they found me less funny. Ain’t that always the way? Eastern Time? Hilarious. Pacific time? Feh.
The good news is that while in LA, a lovely pal set me up to do a video for FunnyOrDie. It was on green screen which I think is so fun.
This is the video. I felt bad about being rude to virtual Betty White, but what can you do? You can go for the funny and that is it.
Imbedded:
Add comment June 25th, 2008
RIP Martial Arts Epics!
This is how rumors get started. This E! headline is trying to be clever:
Remembering Jackie Chan and Jet Li
You see, “The Forbidden Kingdom” did unexpectedly good box office this weekend and beat predicted winner, “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”. See what they did there? They made a clever title and combined the titles of both movies! They showed that it was supposed to be the Judd Apatow movie, but instead was the Jet Li/Jackie Chan movie!
Here is the problem. For an embarrassingly long moment, I believed that Jet Li and Jackie Chan had been killed in some sort of group fight. Perhaps a meteor hit the Martial-arts-movies-loved-by-dudes-because-they-seem-artsy-and-are-also-violent-convention. It was a frightening moment.
This has happened before with NY Post headlines. I believed that Oprah Winfrey was Barack Obama’s running mate for the almost two hours between reading a Post headline on the subway and getting to the internet to find Oprah was merely endorsing senator Obama. This was not as much frightening as THRILLING (followed by crippling disappointment). You see the headline read, “Oprah, Obama. Obama, Oprah”. I think it was trying to make fun of that “Oprah, Uma” thing that Letterman did at the Oscars one year. Regardless, when I read the NY Times online, the headline simply read, “Oprah Winfrey to endorse Barack Obama”. This made so much more sense.
Add comment April 21st, 2008
And you thought Velma had it rough.
Last month I was visiting with my good pal Harry Bouvy at Vlada. I was tossing off hilarity and being so social that I accidentally broke my awesome Glasses. Oops. I wish there was a good story about it, but really they just fell off my face while I was standing still. Just goes to show you, even if glasses are cute, you don’t want to buy a pair that are from the “Donald Trump” brand. I hope his buildings hold up more than his glasses do. You must admit though, the glasses had style for a while:
So, I decided to go out on Steinway Street in my new home of Astoria to one of the hundreds of optical stores (seriously, why are there so many optical stores on Steinway street?). A brassy Queens lady named Lola (I am not kidding) helped me. Except that her idea of customer service was sort of bossing me around and telling me that the only glasses she could ALLOW me to leave with, were these little bad boys here:
They seemed fine, so I let her boss me around, and I went with it (also she told me I needed to pick soon cause I had been standing there a half hour already! By my count it was less than 10 minutes). Then Lola told me that the doctor had told her that it was ABSOLUTELY IMPERATIVE that I get transitions lenses. My eyes would fry into tiny raisins in my head if I did not have them. I am easily swayed. After all, the doctor thought it was imperative. So, I paid an extra $50 to have glasses that I didn’t love turn to sunglasses when I walk outside. Lola assured me this was a deal.
Here is the deal with transitions lenses. While they do change to sunglasses while you are outside:
They do not turn back to regular glasses when you return to indoors:
Or say… when you are going down into the subway immediately after being outside (cause that is where the subway is):
So, you end up looking like an old man:
Eventually, the glasses will fade, but it takes about 45 minutes. Until then, you get this period where you look like you are wearing tinted lenses because you believe this is a fashion trend. As if you were a porn producer:
A stylin guy from 1977:
Or a 45 year old woman from Queens named Lola:
It suddenly all makes sense.
Add comment April 3rd, 2008
Ooops. How quickly a year passes.
You know how you are like, ugh, I don’t feel like doing whatever today, and then it catches you and you realize that for a really LONG time you have not been doing whatever and suddenly the trash in your kitchen is epic and the yoga 3 month pass you bought is useless and your blog is a YEAR out of date? Well, that happened to me. Except with the trash. That was totally my roommates fault.
Ok. I am going to try to be better about writing. Until then… here is some youtube fun!
Add comment March 14th, 2008
Gina!
I will admit that I have a slightly cruel side when it comes to reality TV. I sort of cringe when I watch people making fools of themselves (Jael? kissing up to 50 cent so much he pushes you in the pool?), but I watch it through my fingers and secretly delight in the ridiculousness of it all. I mean, at this point, we know what happens to people on reality TV, so they know what they are getting into, right?
But tonight, when poor Gina got kicked off of American Idol, I was genuinely sad for her. I mean, I had been rooting for Chris Sligh who got booted last week, but his wit had turned to lameness once he drank the AI Kool-Aid. I hadn’t even noticed Gina. So when I saw her in the bottom two this week I assumed it was finally time for boring Haylie to go home. But it wasn’t. It was Gina. And she cried. She CRIED! Full on sobs and running make up. She wanted it so badly.
I want it so badly too, so I identified. Also, I have always wanted to manic panic my hair.
The best/worst part was her song choice this weel. “Smile, though your heart is aching” was the first line. OH! What television! What beautifully sad television as this woman picks the perfect song to sing as she is kicked off. I once wrote a sketch in which a character is kicked off of AI on showtine week. The character sand “And I am Telling You…” and had to keep singing “I ain’t going” over and over into the camera. I thought that would be funny, and then when LaKisha sang the song, I almost demanded writers credit. But she stayed, so I held off the lawsuit.
Thats the thing with AI. When you get kicked off, you gots to sing. I think the worst one was from a few seasons ago. It was before the final 12 even. A young woman got kicked off the week she sang “Get Ready”. As she wiped away her mascara and her dreams as a recording artist (who makes it big from the top 20?), she had to sing a song about how her life was just starting and that the world better “Get ready, cause here I come!”. That is heartbreaking. Give me silly Jael and bitchy Renee in the pool anytime. Let the artists have their dreams.
1 comment April 5th, 2007
Cell Phone blues
You wouldn’t think that not being able to use one number on the keypad of your cell phone would make that big of a difference in your life… but it DOES!
This week, the zero key on my cell phone stopped working. You press it and nothing happens. It is maddening. You just keep pressing and pressing - hoping that this time something will change, but it NEVER does! NEVER!
So, I had some things to do. Call about health insurance. Sorry. Its an 800 number. You can’t call them. So, I look up their local number online (this was difficult). It ends in…. you guessed it! DOUBLE ZEROS! Some people call me to ask if I can coach. Their phone number has a zero in it. I want Chinese food. Nope. I need a car service. Sorry. I want to spell the word “BOOB” using only the numbers on my phone. Tough titty (excuse the crass pun, but I couldn’t pass it up).
Even when I called my bank (which I cleverly had already programmed into my phone), I was dismayed to learn that to reach an operator, you must press zero.
It just goes to show you. Sprint is a D-Bag.
I realize that has nothing to do with this, but come on? Don’t you hate ALL cell phone providers? Me too.
2 comments April 3rd, 2007
Voice Over with the Celebrities
I guess I get that John Goodman is the voice of Dunkin Donuts. I mean… you know, he is the demographic. He has the blue collar cred and such (read: John Goodman is a fatty). But, why the Hell is Zach Braff the voice of a cute puppy in the advertisements for Charmin toilet paper? (read: Zach Braff is no cute puppy). Also, I am pretty sure that I have heard the voices of Amy Poheler for Sears, Daphne Rubin Vega for Garnier Nutris maybe, and Lauren Graham for Special K (I guess she got the voice over bug from her TV father Edward Herman - the king of voice overs). So here is the deal, with the possible exception of Daphne… these people don’t really need the money, do they? I mean they are all series leads on network television shows. All of them have done several feature films and they all clearly have many more years of their career ahead of them. So, give some to the rest of us voice over flakkys. Plus, E! is always talking about how American A-Listers are doing commercials over in Japan.
Bitch, bitch, bitch.
Clearly, I need to work on the Secret and my positive thinking. Right, Liz?
Add comment March 27th, 2007
Reality Television
I just watched “You’re the one that I want”. I am really happy for the two folks who get to be on Broadway now, but I am even happier that this show is over. I couldn’t stop watching it. I don’t know why. It is a cruel show. When someone gets kicked off and their Broadway dreams are shattered, the rest of the people that they are competing with sing to them. The girls sing, “Goodbye to Sandra Dee” and at one point even refer to the poor girl getting kicked off as “A poor man’s Sandra Dee”. I am all for the drama of reality TV and seeing people get voted off, but there is something very different between seeing a model pack her bags back at the apartment or a designer packing up his or her workspace and seeing the competition sing how you suck right to your face. Ouch. I thought it was bad enough dealing with Denise Van Outen asking how you feel. And what is the deal with all of them smiling so much? Do the producers say you HAVE to smile plastic-like into the camera after you have been told to go home?
Also, this whole American Idol thing is weird. I love/hate the Sanjaya thing. It is obvious that he is young and inexperienced and that tween girls love him cause he is safe and has teeth that look capped with chicklets… but I can’t watch him without covering my face with my hands. It is just too painful. He is SO GAY. And I am pretty sure he is unaware of it. When he said that his secret that would suprise viewers was that he loves to HULA DANCE!!!!!! Oh Lord. It was all over.
Also, wouldn’t it have been totally sad, but also just as bad as the Grease show if Lakisha had been voted off after singing “And I am Telling You…”. To see someone be sent home and then have to sing the song with lyrics like “I’m not going!” and “You’re gonna love me!” would have been worse that being called a poor man’s Denise Van Outen.
Add comment March 26th, 2007